Letting go of what once was is never an easy ordeal. I seem to dwell far too much to the point where it consumes me. But looking back on my failures, fumbles, and relationships, I learned the most from my marriage.
He had a cookie-cutter image of what the most perfect wife looked like. This vision he had was his idea of love. Affection was scarce but was primarily shown when his expectations were met. I was always compared to his mother who birthed five boys. I killed myself for years trying to be more like her. I was NOT her. I always knew, that if our marriage ended it wouldn’t be because of cheating, betrayal, or anything that typically ends a marriage, but because I failed to meet his unrealistic vision of what a perfect woman and wife was. I felt as if I was continually running up a steep staircase with no real finish line. I just kept running….ragged.
It took a very long time, almost 18 months before I realized that he was never in love with me. Despite what he says and thinks, I truly feel in the bottom of my heart he didn’t. He may have loved me as a person, but in love is very different. I was exhausted from being so unhappy, I constantly hid my tears, my sadness, and my deep aching to be the “perfect wife” on a daily basis, going through my day in robot mode. After awhile, it becomes routine and very easy to hide ones self. In fact, I believe I perfected it. It wasn’t until he left, a few months later, that I realized just how deeply I loved this man. He was my everything and I loved him, supported him, and cherished him wholeheartedly. I was truly madly in love with him. Without condition or expectaion. It’s why I tried so hard to make him happy even if it meant hiding my true self. It made me sad to think that no matter what I did to correct what was broken…it was over.
20 months later, I sit here writing this post and I’m very proud of who I am, who I’ve become and I learn what I am made of every single day. I love selflessly, unconditionally, and wholeheartedly. I am so proud of myself for being able to genuinely love and selflessly care for someone. More importantly, I’ve realized that I deserve someone to love me like that too. My marriage wasn’t the vision of love or a happy marriage that I had envisioned my entire life. But it taught me a lot about who I am as a woman, what I stand for, what not to do, and how to improve myself to never make the same mistakes.
Until then, I live happily uncommitted. Maybe not 100% single as I date some, but definately uncommited. =)