Well, I’m not writing as much as I want too, but I’ve been a busy bee lately! I’ve been tackling numerous areas at once and doing many different things. So this post is more of a hodge podge of stuff. LOL
I’m been using my home management binder more and more, adding categories and really tailoring it to fit ME and my home. More about my home management binder here. So far, I think I need a 2.5″ binder instead of the 1″ I have, its busting out! I’ve added another set of tabs for things like church, contracts, passwords, college, work (401k, health insurance, W-2, reviews etc.), and others. I need to get a three hole punch as I’m using the one from work. I bring my binder to work with me everyday so as I poke around the internet and browse what others have included in their binders, I can insert the pages. I often think to myself, WOW! these moms have waaaaaay too much time on their hands. LOL! but then again, I have NO idea on what being an at home mom entails. I never had the privilege nor desire to stay home. I’d shoot someone I think. HAHA!
I began writing To Do lists each week of things I want to accomplish over the upcoming weekend. Some I actually get done and other’s I don’t. One thing I’ve been procrastinating on is my walk-in closet. I want to purge some clothes and donate them to Goodwill. I notice that 3/4 of what I have, I don’t wear. I got an idea off Pinterest to utilize old T-shirts, tear then in strips and create rag rugs. I think that is exactly what I will do and then put on my porch in front of my garden.
I have been re-organizing hitting every cabinet, room, and drawer in the place, going to the Goodwill’s in the area and Dollar Tree, .99 Store, Dollar General just scoping out what they have and where to find the most variety. Nothing my son enjoys but it makes for an amazing Saturday morning with Dunkin Donuts in hand. =)
I had painters come to our apartments this past week and they moved all the pots and containers, through my whole porch off. It irritated me! I put it all back one night only to have them two days later move everything again! For some reason my cucumbers aren’t growing and the leaves have all turned a shade of yellow. My pothos plant I kept inside isn’t doing well, but I think maybe it has something to do with the fact that my windows have been open for almost a month and I’ve kept the AC off. I don’t know but its on its last few green leaves, the rest have yellowed and fallen off. My tomato plants are almost hip high now which makes me very excited, little yellow flowers have budded…just waiting on tomatoes. My snap peas have still not developed but I am hopeful. I got wired trellis’ from the .99 Store and used them for my tomato and snap pea plants. They’ve worked well and are super cute! This would be my first season of “trying” to garden and really try at it. My goal is to accumulate pots and containers over the winter, pre-sprout seeds over the winter inside for planting early Spring. Then I can be ahead of the game instead of late in the season like this year.
I haven’t been able to touch any debt yet which has been disappointing. My rent is going up starting in November, I needed an oil change, new front tires, new brakes, renewed my registration and renewed my renter’s insurance. Half which were not budgeted for. It seemed once my brakes started grinding the rest followed. Now my poor car has to be brought to the dealer within the next 2k miles to have the already slipping transmission looked at. Thank god that my warranty is still active this I have 2k miles to get it in there. After Christmas I hope to be full speed ahead. I don’t forsee anything arising but you will never know! Lol
Hopefully shortly, I will be getting rid of Facebook, dwindling down to one email, and will only have my blog and my phone. Less stress is the name of this game and I WILL WIN!
Well, it’s been a while since I wrote here. Life hasn’t really been that busy, but it has been relaxing and peaceful. I got myself all in a tizzy a few weeks ago contemplating filing bankruptcy which is still a viable option. I’m sitting on that for a while and really giving this thought. My lease renewed last week and it went up $50! which was expected, but hey on the bright side I have a free carpet cleaning. I will have one more year here and then I’ll be researching home rentals or a small home I can buy.
My garden is in full swing! A lot of activity, I am super excited. My snap peas are growing nicely and they are almost over a foot high. Now I need to get a trellis for them to climb on. My tomato plants have flowered so I am really hoping to see those soon. The jalapeno plant too has flowers. My herbs are amazing and very fragrant and I’m ELATED that the squirrel family hasn’t attacked my garden as of yet. (KNOCK ON WOOD)
But I’ve been a hell of a lot more mindful of my spending. I’m noticing at lease almost $50-$60 I’m carrying over paycheck to paycheck. I’m using more cash, eating out less, making more food from scratch which all in all has curbed our eating a ton.
I’m just plain flippin happy lately. =)
Letting go of what once was is never an easy ordeal. I seem to dwell far too much to the point where it consumes me. But looking back on my failures, fumbles, and relationships, I learned the most from my marriage.
He had a cookie-cutter image of what the most perfect wife looked like. This vision he had was his idea of love. Affection was scarce but was primarily shown when his expectations were met. I was always compared to his mother who birthed five boys. I killed myself for years trying to be more like her. I was NOT her. I always knew, that if our marriage ended it wouldn’t be because of cheating, betrayal, or anything that typically ends a marriage, but because I failed to meet his unrealistic vision of what a perfect woman and wife was. I felt as if I was continually running up a steep staircase with no real finish line. I just kept running….ragged.
It took a very long time, almost 18 months before I realized that he was never in love with me. Despite what he says and thinks, I truly feel in the bottom of my heart he didn’t. He may have loved me as a person, but in love is very different. I was exhausted from being so unhappy, I constantly hid my tears, my sadness, and my deep aching to be the “perfect wife” on a daily basis, going through my day in robot mode. After awhile, it becomes routine and very easy to hide ones self. In fact, I believe I perfected it. It wasn’t until he left, a few months later, that I realized just how deeply I loved this man. He was my everything and I loved him, supported him, and cherished him wholeheartedly. I was truly madly in love with him. Without condition or expectaion. It’s why I tried so hard to make him happy even if it meant hiding my true self. It made me sad to think that no matter what I did to correct what was broken…it was over.
20 months later, I sit here writing this post and I’m very proud of who I am, who I’ve become and I learn what I am made of every single day. I love selflessly, unconditionally, and wholeheartedly. I am so proud of myself for being able to genuinely love and selflessly care for someone. More importantly, I’ve realized that I deserve someone to love me like that too. My marriage wasn’t the vision of love or a happy marriage that I had envisioned my entire life. But it taught me a lot about who I am as a woman, what I stand for, what not to do, and how to improve myself to never make the same mistakes.
Until then, I live happily uncommitted. Maybe not 100% single as I date some, but definately uncommited. =)