Category Archives: Reflection & Ramblings

End of October Update

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Hello Lovelies,

Well, I’m not writing as much as I want too, but I’ve been a busy bee lately!  I’ve been tackling numerous areas at once and doing many different things.  So this post is more of a hodge podge of stuff.  LOL

I’m been using my home management binder more and more, adding categories and really tailoring it to fit ME and my home.  More about my home management binder here.  So far, I think I need a 2.5″ binder instead of the 1″ I have, its busting out! I’ve added another set of tabs for things like church, contracts, passwords, college, work (401k, health insurance, W-2, reviews etc.), and others.  I need to get a three hole punch as I’m using the one from work.  I bring my binder to work with me everyday so as I poke around the internet and browse what others have included in their binders, I can insert the pages.  I often think to myself, WOW! these moms have waaaaaay too much time on their hands. LOL!  but then again, I have NO idea on what being an at home mom entails.  I never had the privilege nor desire to stay home.  I’d shoot someone I think. HAHA!

I began writing To Do lists each week of things I want to accomplish over the upcoming weekend.  Some I actually get done and other’s I don’t.  One thing I’ve been procrastinating on is my walk-in closet.  I want to purge some clothes and donate them to Goodwill.  I notice that 3/4 of what I have, I don’t wear.  I got an idea off Pinterest to utilize old T-shirts, tear then in strips and create rag rugs.  I think that is exactly what I will do and then put on my porch in front of my garden.

I have been re-organizing hitting every cabinet, room, and drawer in the place, going to the Goodwill’s in the area and Dollar Tree, .99 Store, Dollar General just scoping out what they have and where to find the most variety.  Nothing my son enjoys but it makes for an amazing Saturday morning with Dunkin Donuts in hand.  =)

I had painters come to our apartments this past week and they moved all the pots and containers, through my whole porch off.  It irritated me!  I put it all back one night only to have them two days later move everything again!  For some reason my cucumbers aren’t growing and the leaves have all turned a shade of yellow.  My pothos plant I kept inside isn’t doing well, but I think maybe it has something to do with the fact that my windows have been open for almost a month and I’ve kept the AC off.  I don’t know but its on its last few green leaves, the rest have yellowed and fallen off.  My tomato plants are almost hip high now which makes me very excited, little yellow flowers have budded…just waiting on tomatoes.  My snap peas have still not developed but I am hopeful.  I got wired trellis’ from the .99 Store and used them for my tomato and snap pea plants.  They’ve worked well and are super cute! This would be my first season of “trying” to garden and really try at it.  My goal is to accumulate pots and containers over the winter, pre-sprout seeds over the winter inside for planting early Spring.  Then I can be ahead of the game instead of late in the season like this year.

I haven’t been able to touch any debt yet which has been disappointing.  My rent is going up starting in November, I needed an oil change, new front tires, new brakes, renewed my registration and renewed my renter’s insurance.  Half which were not budgeted for.  It seemed once my brakes started grinding the rest followed.  Now my poor car has to be brought to the dealer within the next 2k miles to have the already slipping transmission looked at.  Thank god that my warranty is still active this I have 2k miles to get it in there.  After Christmas I hope to be full speed ahead.  I don’t forsee anything arising but you will never know! Lol

Hopefully shortly, I will be getting rid of Facebook, dwindling down to one email, and will only have my blog and my phone.  Less stress is the name of this game and I WILL WIN!

Painful Credit Report

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Good Morning,

Well, somewhat.  I hardly slept and I’m exhausted.  Yesterday, I did the most horrific thing since my divorce, I pulled my credit report.  It was a total of 107 pages and I kid you not, I got teary. Last time I remember pulling my credit it was something like 30 pages.  Looking over this beast of a document that would truly dictate my future, I realized that out of all the debt on it, my student loans were the only thing I solely owned. The rest was utilities and creditors from my marriage. It is partly my fault.

Total debt on my credit report shows my debt to credit ratio is 89%.  OUCH!

Looking over, there are mistakes.  But these mistakes won’t make a drastic change or dent in my score.  Things like my previous address and inquiries need not be listed etc.  I have to get creative.

I was so frustrated at this point I could punch a wall.  Thankfully I sat on my porch and drank.  Blankly staring at this squirrel that was apparently hunting or looking for something.  Quite amusing and it took my mind off the matter at hand and forced me to come to my senses.  This whole evening angered me. 

How much more can I take?  I’m one mom, on one income, paying for the damage in our marriage that was MY fault for supporting because I was being a good wife and kept my mouth shut.  Well, now I’m paying for my quietness and let me tell you, this Boston girl’s feistiness is out and staying out and any guy in my future will not get the old quiet me.  NEVER AGAIN!  This is horrible.  I can’t move, buy a home, rent an apartment elsewhere, refinance my car, or do anything. Listening to Dave Ramsey, I know I am not stuck, but try paying $91,000 in debt making around $50,000 per year (working as much OT as I can) supporting a soon to be 12-year-old. Neither of us during our divorce could afford lawyers.  We decided by mutual agreement to pay bills off 50/50.  We’ve been divorced now 8 months and not one bill is paid or negotiated or even has one payment.  My doing this blog is bringing a lot of things to light for me so I’m learning as I go.  We didn’t put our finances in our divorce decree.  Mistake?  Not really because upon further research and my conversation with a lawyer the only way to make a divorce decree stick is by taking him back to court each time I feel we aren’t paying bills.  NOT!  A divorce decree is crap to a creditor because they hold the original contract and that original contract is binding.  A divorce decree is a promise to pay. One doesn’t pay, the other is harassed pretty much.  I thought about bankruptcy, but then again, I want a home for my son and I.  He deserves that from me.  I thought about a lot of things.  I just don’t know what to do at this point and how to move forward.

It’s just plain unfair and I feel absolutely defeated.

It’s been a Long Time….

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Letting go of what once was is never an easy ordeal.  I seem to dwell far too much to the point where it consumes me.  But looking back on my failures, fumbles, and relationships, I learned the most from my marriage.

He had a cookie-cutter image of what the most perfect wife looked like.  This vision he had was his idea of love.  Affection was scarce but was primarily shown when his expectations were met. I was always compared to his mother who birthed five boys.  I killed myself for years trying to be more like her. I was NOT her. I always knew, that if our marriage ended it wouldn’t be because of cheating, betrayal, or anything that typically ends a marriage, but because I failed to meet his unrealistic vision of what a perfect woman and wife was. I felt as if I was continually running up a steep staircase with no real finish line.  I just kept running….ragged.

It took a very long time, almost 18 months before I realized that he was never in love with me. Despite what he says and thinks, I truly feel in the bottom of my heart he didn’t.  He may have loved me as a person, but in love is very different. I was exhausted from being so unhappy, I constantly hid my tears, my sadness, and my deep aching to be the “perfect wife” on a daily basis, going through my day in robot mode.  After awhile, it becomes routine and very easy to hide ones self. In fact, I believe I perfected it.  It wasn’t until he left, a few months later, that I realized just how deeply I loved this man.  He was my everything and I loved him, supported him, and cherished him wholeheartedly.  I was truly madly in love with him.  Without condition or expectaion.  It’s why I tried so hard to make him happy even if it meant hiding my true self. It made me sad to think that no matter what I did to correct what was broken…it was over.

20 months later, I sit here writing this post and I’m very proud of who I am, who I’ve become and I learn what I am made of every single day. I love selflessly, unconditionally, and wholeheartedly.  I am so proud of myself for being able to genuinely love and selflessly care for someone. More importantly, I’ve realized that I deserve someone to love me like that too. My marriage wasn’t the vision of love or a happy marriage that I had envisioned my entire life.  But it taught me a lot about who I am as a woman, what I stand for, what not to do, and how to improve myself to never make the same mistakes.

Until then, I live happily uncommitted.  Maybe not 100% single as I date some, but definately uncommited.  =)

Just My Thoughts…

Good Morning Fellow Mama’s,

I did a lot of thinking last night.  While I often, almost always, think way too much, I did reflect on the past year for quite a while.  When I started my journey last summer, it was because I finally had closure.  My divorce, while in the end was an amicable one, wasn’t the case last June.  After 5 months of separation, we decided that we wanted to try again and see if we couldn’t make it work.  My son was in Boston for summer vacation and this was our perfect opportunity.  To my surprise, we ended it late June with a physical bout of just anger.  We were done!  Too much anger, resentment, and too much emotion for us to ever work healthily.  That day, we became ugly people.  It was the closure I needed desperately.  My misery and oh woe is me attitude lasted about two weeks.  Mid July, I woke up one day and said ENOUGH!

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By September, I wrote my post on minimizing.  I needed to make my entire life different.  I needed to start over and start over MY WAY!  Though the next few months, I read blogs, read articles, websites, watched You Tube videos and learned a lot.  I started implementing things little by little, perfecting them as I go.  Most all I still have set in place and much more I want to do.

But sitting on my porch last night I was thinking how all these changes have impacted me and my life.  By cooking from scratch and going back to basics, I’ve learned control.  It’s not as easy to snack and binge if the food isn’t made!  It’s not easy leaving the house to get a burger if there is no money left in the budget.  And by making things myself I learned portion control because ultimately I’m making enough for a few meals.  By the time I’m done cooking, I’m tired, I haven’t sat down yet after a long work day, I just don’t have that IM STARVING appetite.  I enjoy sitting with my son discussing our day and rarely finish my plate.  To date, I’ve lost 13lbs in the past two months. No beer, no fast food, no eating out, no soda, nothing pre-packaged, nothing frozen except what I made.

I am also more organized.  My house runs like clock work.  We are on time for the most part, things have their place, I now have my home management binder, my grocery plan, cooking plan, cabinets are organized for finding things easily.  I LOVE coming home after work now where as before I dreaded it. I couldn’t be alone…ever!  Now, I stay occupied and busy.  A lot of what was adding to my insanity was my house was a mess.  Not a mess as far as clutter and crap lying everywhere, I had piles in corners, closet full of clothes that didn’t fit, the trunk of my car was full of useless crap I could throw away, my son still had a toy box LOL at 11 years old full of toys, my home just needed an overhaul.  I kept a lot of things because it was the only thing during my marriage I could control.  It made me happy to know I “chose” to hold on to things and they stayed.  Letting go of these things gave me a sense of relief.  A huge weight lifted on my shoulders and I could finally breathe.  I highly recommend doing this every few months.  You won’t be disappointed and it will revamp your life and give you the boost you need if you fall off the frugal wagon a bit.  It was my turning point.

I’m also genuinely happy!  My organization, money-saving, and budget skills are doing a number on my happiness meter!  I’m not running ragged.  I’m ONE mama, who has ONE kid, on ONE income, and I’m only ONE person.  It’s hard as hell.  But maintaining a schedule by way of my binder, Cozi app on my phone, and my pocket calendar, I can stay on top of things, plan them out, create a routine and get everything done.  It’s been a lifesaver.  I’m no longer absolutely exhausted.

In closing, a happy mama is a happy kid.  Our attitude rubs off on our children.  If we are happy, they are happy as they feed off our energy.  By my organizing my life and my home, developing strategies that make being mom doable, I can have a calmer demeanor for my son.  He is less agitated and less anxious.  With his ADHD this is a huge accomplishment for both him and I.  He is picking up some skills along the way too and is finding that my homemade food tastes a thousand times better than the grocery store equivalent.

So far so good, but we are becoming ONE HAPPY HOME =)

Just my thoughts…